I CAN MOONWALK!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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