I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
