if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
be right there i have to get my cape
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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