FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
