You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
