I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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