I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
