kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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