a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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