my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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