____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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