Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
