drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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