can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
