I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
