Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
