my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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