I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
