...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
