evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
