Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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