I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
