My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
