I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I AM VODKA MAN
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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