If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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