do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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