I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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