This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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