I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
two words: eviction party
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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