my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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