If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
