Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
