I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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