she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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