I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
