I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i think i just lost a toe
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
