Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
