Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
