If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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