My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
