If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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