thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
