a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Randomize
