If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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