I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
