What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
