In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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