I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
