I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
