some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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