Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
