drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
