the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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