i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
