i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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