Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
